Women Who Take Vaxxies.

As part of yet another aspect of the vexing nature of American vaxxing, we not only have to contend with women who proudly shout, “Vaxxed and waxed, baby!” but also women who gleefully post vaccine selfies—since given its own term, “the vaxxie” (so momentous… for not since “belfie” has such a selfie-related word entered the social media lexicon). 

As women grow increasingly less self-conscious about parading their privilege while countries (most especially India) continue to not only battle COVID-19 but also have no access to either vaccines or an adequate vaccine rollout plan, the prevalence of the vaxxie has shown up more and more in social media feeds. But, thanks to celebrities and politicians (often the same thing these days) further “setting the trend” for how okay it is to showcase your “perfect shot,” the civilians have decided to follow suit in droves. 

While the average selfie is deemed just another endemic symptom of narcissism in our post-Instagram culture, the vaxxie is, people like to tell themselves, actually doing one’s part to boost faith and confidence in the vaccine to any of the skittish types out there—or just the full-on anti-vaxxers, who perhaps ought to form their own island along with the white supremacists. 

And, so long as you’re “doing your part,” why not at least get something out of it? Something that will make others really stop and notice what a “super great” person you are for fulfilling something that is now requisite. Oh, but silly girl, no one is actually looking at anyone. Everything we see on social media seems to cast only vague impressions that we move on from, ergo people acting as though they didn’t see exactly what was happening in your life already the next time they see you in person. Thus, the repressed need of many women to scream, “I know you fucking saw my Instagram, why are you pretending you didn’t see me get vaccinated?!”

As time wears on, perhaps the vaxxie will fade out after the novelty dissipates and “everyone” is theoretically jabbed. Or maybe it will be a yearly tradition, further spurred by the various new strains that will inevitably keep coming into existence as those delighting in vaxxies ignore the horrors going on in other countries. 

Women Who Say “Vaxxed and Waxed.”

Because “men” are still prone to straight “man’s” drag in terms of wanting to seem as masculine as possible despite the fact that masculinity has long been a false construct, it is women who are more prone to saying the most odious phrase of 2021: “vaxxed and waxed, baby.” To indicate, in other words, they’re ready to take a decadent summer trip after being “forced” to keep their lid on so tight for the past year-plus. 

The decided “First World” privilege of this distinctively grotesque post-corona declaration seems to apply most to affluent East Coastian women who want to assert their vacation dominance (in addition to “relevancy” with knowing “common slang”) over the rest of the country.

The phrase has been catching on in the memeverse all year long, before being cemented in Midwesterners’ minds thanks to a Saturday Night Live sketch from March called Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed! (though it’s unclear why it’s not “vaxxed” if we’re going by the spelling of “vaxxie,” and just about every other person’s double x preference). Otherwise known as: “The number one game show for infectious singles.” Hosted by “Cece Vuvuzela” (Maya Rudolph) “out here in Miami Beach during a global pandemic,” it seems telling of the behavior that’s further yet to come this summer…despite the fact that, as of the end of April, there are still just under thirty percent of Americans who have actually been fully vaccinated. Worse still, a growing trend has found that many are missing their second appointment. So how, exactly, does that bode well for stamping out the rona to the point where anyone should be exhibiting the braggadocio of saying, “Vaxxed and waxed”? 

But then, of course, dealing with reality has never been Americans’ strong suit. What has been, however, is their ability to neatly compartmentalize the suffering of others throughout the world as “not part of their problem.” Failing, repeatedly, to comprehend that everything is ultimately connected. 

As for the women scheduling trips to far-off destinations that likely won’t exceed the parameters of the Caribbean or Mexico (it’s so easy to cordon oneself off from real life there thanks to resort packages—and Europe is still just being “way too strict”), one hopes that having that waxed vag doesn’t make her more susceptible to the invisible rona balls creeping right up her fallopian tube as she knocks back another Cosmopolitan (evidently, “the basic bitch drink of Summer 2021”—another case in point of how “vaxxed and waxed” traces back to the East Coast)… along with another dick. Because: “vaxxed and waxed, baby.” The utterance of this phrase in a milieu that is not the United States should surely call further attention (in addition to the khakis and American flag tees) to one being an accursed denizen of America touting their self-perception of having some kind of superiority for actually doing little to no work on curbing the spread of the pandemic while most of the rest of the world is still suffering. 

“Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right?” says Cece Vuvuzela on Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed! at one point (and it clearly hasn’t changed SNL’s in choosing to continue the show at all, and majorly selling out all the more by soon letting Elon Musk on as a guest). Despite all the “think pieces,” it would seem that not only has the pandemic not really changed American priorities pertaining to entitlement and unwarranted arrogance, but has, in fact only intensified them.  

Women Who Are Butter Faces Taking Advantage of Surgi Mask Usage in Every Man’s Current Weakened Condition.

While many women are, naturally, somewhat in denial about their appearance despite already having the kind of low self-esteem that makes them think they’re always lacking in some way regardless, there are other types of women who fundamentally cannot deny that their face is, well, hideous. Maybe this is part of the reason they cultivate their bodies so diligently. Making sure that all the dimensions are distributed in just the right place for the perfect Barbie physique (Barbie, too, being arguably something of a butter face–there’s a reason she’s never without makeup). Because if you want to “attract a ‘man’,” the best thing to focus on is one’s body anyway, right?–you shallow bitch still trying to deny that the best way for a woman–any woman–to live is without making the opinions of “men” your benchmark for everything. You honestly think those toads have any credibility regarding what matters? Alas, women are still hopelessly conditioned to believe that they ought to be as visually pleasing as possible. Not for themselves, but for the benefit of attracting the gaze of another. So long as, in the butter face’s case, that gaze is not directed too closely on her face. Which, in the present climate, it will not be thanks to one, COVID-19. 

The average self-aware butter face has, of course, already caught on to this insane fluke of a perk by now. In short, she’s the girl who has gone apeshit on buying every single custom mask from the likes of Etsy and Society6 to really play up her “fashion sense” no matter the conditions when, in fact, it’s simply her time to shine when it comes to being able to legitimately conceal the most undesirable part of herself. No more silently wishing she was of the religious faith and descent that would allow her to wear a hijab without it being called appropriation. At last, the universe has seen fit to throw her a motherfucking bone–like literally–as she attracts more vulnerable “men” in a state of loneliness and desperation for touch than ever. The butter face woman is, indeed, what Paris Hilton would call sliving in the pandemic climate. Inviting fuqbois over during quarantine like she’s the den mother of curing dick depression. It’s safe, she reasons, because she’s always wearing a face mask no matter what–so how could she ever possibly contract COVID-19? Well, darling, potentially through his semen, if you must know

In any case, will the butter face woman be able to sustain these glory days of mandatory face mask wearing? Considering that the increased regularity of pandemics feels like a given as climate change continues, then the answer would be an orgasmically resounding, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”