Women Who Say “Living My Best Life.”

“Women” do tend to say a lot of dumb shit, let’s be honest. Even despite the fact that they do so want to topple the patriarchy, it’s a bit difficult to achieve when you’re spouting heinous catchphrases tailor-made for hashtagging and captioning an Instagram post (since Facebook is evermore cancelled due to plummeting stock value, as if that’s going to stop the over twenty-five set from using a platform that has been indoctrinated into their daily lives for so long). To be sure, the most ironic thing about saying “living my best life” when referring to an image of an avocado toast or some such other basique fare is that the “woman” in question is very clearly living a waking nightmare.

Harkening back to that old cliche, “Are you living or just existing?,” the “living my best life” non-aphorism is contrarian to what it says right in the text: “living.” But no, it’s “existing in my mediocre life” that ought to be the phrase. These are the “women” who are so convinced that to spend money on bullshit (usually pertaining to food at overpriced New York restaurants) is to connote true happiness because it can be flaunted in a way that genuine, often intangible happiness cannot. Then, of course, there are the outdoor, nature-oriented, “activity” posts deemed worthy of the “living my best life” assignation. But, like everything else, the more you insist something is happening the less likely it probably is to be true. Because if you zoom in on the avocado spread closely enough, you can just make out the trace of a dead fly’s wing.

In any case, the only way for a “woman” to truly live her best life, evidently, is to proudly declare she’s been lobotomized by wielding this phrase so unabashedly.

Women Who Do Their Top Nine.

For very different reasons than the “man” who fell prey to downloading the Top Nine app to unearth his most liked photos of 2017 (one still can’t understand why it’s not ten or even fifteen), the “woman” who does the same has some genital lack. While, no her generated curation likely won’t have outdoorsy photos (unless she’s strategically trying to allure an athletic “male” to help her create the ideal spawn–since that’s what some uncles are still convinced of when pandering on social media), it will have something far worse: in addition to selfies, cupcakes and other “cute” food, the Top Nine of the clitless “woman” will also offer contrived outdoorsy photos. Flowers, leaves and fucking rainbows. Maybe even a waterfall for added cliche in its attempt at not being cliche good measure.

She will then hashtag it with slightly more exertion at thought than a “man” by saying something like #alookbackat2017 #comingforyou2018 #topnine. Of course, all this faux striving at being authentic and excited about one’s life smacks of the old Shakespearean line, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” Her protest, in this case, is by not protesting against the deceit that is Top Nine, trying and failing to make the sum total of your existence’s worth add up to nine photos that merely perpetuate the lie you’ve been telling yourself about being “fabulous” (exclamation point). But like the fall leaf on the ground that she managed to capture “just so,” a “woman’s” participation in the Top Nine confirms that she blows as easily in the wind as any trend (or as easily as her lips gravitate to dick). She is, to sum up, a phony baloney pushover. With bad filter choices.

Women Who Post Something on Instagram & Then Delete It.

Warren Beatty once goadingly asked Madonna in a scene of Truth or Dare, “Why would you say something if it’s off-camera? What point is there existing?” The sentiment has evolved in the twenty-first century to essentially mean constantly posting photos and videos of oneself for the sake of letting everyone you know (and many you don’t) that your life is simply better than theirs. Primarily, it is “women” guilty of putting on this performance–“men” just don’t have the patience it takes to undercuttingly compete with others in this manner. And yet, sometimes, a “woman” will renege almost as annoyingly as a “man” does on his promise to love you forever in abruptly deciding to delete an image she seemingly proudly touted only moments or hours before.

Who knows what event or line of reasoning might suddenly scandalize her over what she’s put out into that alternate universe called the internet? Only yesterday, Lana Del Rey had put up a video of herself wearing cherry earrings and typically dramatic eyeliner as she prepped for a show, only for the video to disappear. But it isn’t just celebrities outraging themselves over next to nothing, it’s the common folk too. For instance, a “girl” might post an image of “guy” that no one is familiar with, sparking intrigue and a fury of queries. This was no doubt the effect she wanted–at first. Maybe to make an ex or current flame jealous, maybe to prove to other “women” that she’s more desirable than they are. But then when too many questions start a-brewin’, the “woman” swiftly removes her content lest, apparently, she has to answer to someone for her showboating behavior. But what’s the point of showboating in the first place if you’re not really going to own up to it? Don’t be a little asshole and post something if you’re not going to stick to your social media guns. There is, after all, no point in living off camera. Like if a tree that’s a really selfie-worthy waif falls in the forest and no one’s there to make fun of her for it, did it even happen?