While many women are, naturally, somewhat in denial about their appearance despite already having the kind of low self-esteem that makes them think they’re always lacking in some way regardless, there are other types of women who fundamentally cannot deny that their face is, well, hideous. Maybe this is part of the reason they cultivate their bodies so diligently. Making sure that all the dimensions are distributed in just the right place for the perfect Barbie physique (Barbie, too, being arguably something of a butter face–there’s a reason she’s never without makeup). Because if you want to “attract a ‘man’,” the best thing to focus on is one’s body anyway, right?–you shallow bitch still trying to deny that the best way for a woman–any woman–to live is without making the opinions of “men” your benchmark for everything. You honestly think those toads have any credibility regarding what matters? Alas, women are still hopelessly conditioned to believe that they ought to be as visually pleasing as possible. Not for themselves, but for the benefit of attracting the gaze of another. So long as, in the butter face’s case, that gaze is not directed too closely on her face. Which, in the present climate, it will not be thanks to one, COVID-19.
The average self-aware butter face has, of course, already caught on to this insane fluke of a perk by now. In short, she’s the girl who has gone apeshit on buying every single custom mask from the likes of Etsy and Society6 to really play up her “fashion sense” no matter the conditions when, in fact, it’s simply her time to shine when it comes to being able to legitimately conceal the most undesirable part of herself. No more silently wishing she was of the religious faith and descent that would allow her to wear a hijab without it being called appropriation. At last, the universe has seen fit to throw her a motherfucking bone–like literally–as she attracts more vulnerable “men” in a state of loneliness and desperation for touch than ever. The butter face woman is, indeed, what Paris Hilton would call sliving in the pandemic climate. Inviting fuqbois over during quarantine like she’s the den mother of curing dick depression. It’s safe, she reasons, because she’s always wearing a face mask no matter what–so how could she ever possibly contract COVID-19? Well, darling, potentially through his semen, if you must know.
In any case, will the butter face woman be able to sustain these glory days of mandatory face mask wearing? Considering that the increased regularity of pandemics feels like a given as climate change continues, then the answer would be an orgasmically resounding, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”