Women Who Do Their Top Nine.

For very different reasons than the “man” who fell prey to downloading the Top Nine app to unearth his most liked photos of 2017 (one still can’t understand why it’s not ten or even fifteen), the “woman” who does the same has some genital lack. While, no her generated curation likely won’t have outdoorsy photos (unless she’s strategically trying to allure an athletic “male” to help her create the ideal spawn–since that’s what some uncles are still convinced of when pandering on social media), it will have something far worse: in addition to selfies, cupcakes and other “cute” food, the Top Nine of the clitless “woman” will also offer contrived outdoorsy photos. Flowers, leaves and fucking rainbows. Maybe even a waterfall for added cliche in its attempt at not being cliche good measure.

She will then hashtag it with slightly more exertion at thought than a “man” by saying something like #alookbackat2017 #comingforyou2018 #topnine. Of course, all this faux striving at being authentic and excited about one’s life smacks of the old Shakespearean line, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” Her protest, in this case, is by not protesting against the deceit that is Top Nine, trying and failing to make the sum total of your existence’s worth add up to nine photos that merely perpetuate the lie you’ve been telling yourself about being “fabulous” (exclamation point). But like the fall leaf on the ground that she managed to capture “just so,” a “woman’s” participation in the Top Nine confirms that she blows as easily in the wind as any trend (or as easily as her lips gravitate to dick). She is, to sum up, a phony baloney pushover. With bad filter choices.